Dear Stoya,
My name is το βρακί του νταρθ (Darth Vader’s underwear), I am 31 and I live in Athens, Greece. This is not my real name, well at least not yet. I am writing to you for no apparent reason, other than that I love you and that you are extremely hot.
So, Stoya, how is everything? How is life in New York? How is the cat doing? How about James? Greetings to you all. By the way, have you ever met Lee Ranaldo of Sonic Youth in NY? If you ever do, please tell him that I love him too, in a non-gay way.
I am not doing very well Stoya. Greece is such a depressing place to live during the last couple of years, young people are either unemployed or they work 10 or 12 hrs a day at shitty jobs for few money. I am thinking about leaving, but then there are a few friends here that I really like, plus I don’t want to go abroad and become some corporate dick that draws excel graphs of the Q3 profits on his notebook, late in the afternoon train as he commutes from work back to the suburbs.
I’d like to be a punk rocker in some squat, but I have no talents, I am trained for nothing, I was raised with television, video games and cholesterol. I know that punks are mostly losers too, but I am worse than that, plus they eat shitty food at squats and girls there are kind of smelly.
By the way, I read that Village Voice interview of yours, where you said that you lost your virginity as soon as you saw a magazine cover with Britney Spears where she stated that she wanted to remain a virgin. In my eyes, what you did is hardcore feminism and a true punk attitude and I really admire it, plus it was kind of funny. Anyway.
So I am looking for a way out of all the shit here. Since I love you, I would propose to you, but I know that you love someone else, plus you are a bit (a lot) out of my league. Furthermore, my τσουτσούνι is kind of small. Τσουτσούνι is a cute-ish way to say cock in Greek, I could say πούτσα but it is more vulgar and I am not a redneck. Finally, I must add that while my erections are good, I don’t ejaculate very easily because of the antidepressants I am on - but maybe that is a good thing for girls?
By the way, most people that I know in Greece right now, people between their 20s and 40s, visit shrinks or take antidepressants, this is our Generation X, our own Prozac nation, 20 years after the American slacker culture of the 90s, we are finally in a state of collective apathy, depression and nihilism. This isn't fun though, no one will exploit this culture, no one will buy us, we will just sit here and float in emptiness, mood swings and hip hair-dos, like astronauts in some trashed space station that moved out of orbit and it is now a matter of time before they run out of food, crash a meteor or just stare outside the small round window for ever.
Anyway, since it is probably not wise to propose to you, I thought of this: Would you consider hiring me as a butler at your house/ flat/ mansion/ boat/ cottage/ whatever? I will do your laundry, iron, occasionally steal a thong (sorry), clean the windows, cook, wash the car, charge your iPhone, get you cigarettes, feed the cat, give you mani-pedis (don’t know how to do that, but I am a quick learner). My cooking specialties include trahana, lentil soup, fava, spetzofai, everything pork, plus if you have a really big bbq I can roast whole lambs and kokoretsi for you and your friends at your parties, just like my Greek forefathers used to do. Finally, if you need any help practicing your scenes or reading parts for auditions, I would be happy to assist you.
Again, thanks for your time. Please think about it. If you don’t need my services, no worries, I understand.
Love, punk rock and a big nihilistic hug
το βρακί του νταρθ
PS. If you’re ever in Athens, you can crash my couch and sleep naked there if you wish. I can take you to nice bars, we can read poetry and if there is a demonstration we could go and throw rocks and molotov bombs to the cops. It will be fun!
